Show me hope

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Today was a hard day. The kind of day where I felt the weight of the world upon my heart.

I read too many heart-breaking news about Syria. I saw too many graphic pictures of war-strucken lands. I heard too many stories of girls, mere helpless girls, being raped.  I read too many tweets about the newly crowned Miss. America. I saw too many scenes from the movie American History X.

These are the days  I hate being someone of color. These are the days I wish I wasn’t a woman. These are  the days I am sickened by my labels and I’m tired of fearing.

I feel small, vulnerable, and helpless.

I asked God too many times where he was hiding, what he was doing.

And I wish he’d just pop out of the phone booth, with a cape in hand, flash an assuring smile, and fly off and get rid of all the evil for once and for all.

This earth just seems so dark, so tired, and so ready for restoration. And somehow, hope seems too far.

But how I dream of better days!

I dream of days when I can walk down the street at night time without fear. I dream of days when we all become color-blind. I dream of days when we talk and hug, instead of murder and rape. I dream of days when peace is abundant, love overflows, and life is celebrated.

I wish I had more faith in the promise of the Gospel, the promise of the second coming. I wish I could do something grand, life-changing, or simply worthwhile.  I wish I could more easily taste the goodness of the little things. I wish I could sing songs of redemption and good news so the flowers would bloom from the cursed dirt. I wish that being broken didn’t have to be so painful.

I know I’m a foolish romantic, but my tired heart can’t help it. For today, I need something to hold onto…anything. I need to know that a difference can be made. I need to know change is possible. I need to know that hope is still around the corner.

My friend Tina shared similar sentiments over at Deeper Story, so check it out!

I didn’t want to end on a somber note. So indulge in this beautiful snippet of Anne Carson’s work (she is as delicious as pumpkin pie). Praying that we all become philosophers of sandwiches. It helps when you find yourself living in dark days.

Then a miracle occurred in the form of a plate of sandwiches.
Geryon took three and buried his mouth in a delicious block of white bread filled with tomatoes and butter and salt.
He thought about how delicious it was, how he liked slippery foods, how slipperiness can be of different kinds.
I am a philosopher of sandwiches, he decided. Things good on the inside.

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4 Comments

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  1. Thank you for allowing yourself to be vulnerable in this post, there’s something very courageous about being able to speak honestly and openly in your writing. I can relate to you in how draining the media and society can be. I find it hard a lot of times to also be colored and a female in a world where oppression is all around. Even though you were talking about very serious issues, I enjoyed how you managed to ease up the tension by ending the blog with a positive quote. I look forward to reading more.

  2. This is very powerful. You did a great job of expressing your frustration at the world in a way that showed your readers your true emotions and perceptions, but that didn’t sound whiny. The repetition at the beginning of your sentences was effective and (in my opinion) not over-done, though I think you could have combined a few of the short 1-2 sentence paragraphs together. Nice job!

  3. I too sometimes have a hard time embracing the news about women and color. Your raw honesty of the weight this bears on you and your search for God in these moments. The quote “Things good on the inside” makes me think about the good things inside us as women that we do have to give to the world. You created great discord in your word choice “I wish” over and over. It kept me waiting for the hope you are searching for.

  4. I found this post to be extremely powerful. I sometimes to get the same feeling. It’s hard to read, see, and observe horror after horror. Where is God in little girls being raped or killed on their way to school? Where is God in terror attacks? Like Jessica mentioned, the good is on the inside is a good reminder that as Christians we have a lot to give in the world, and continue to search for God even in the horrors happening around is. Thanks for this.

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